I’ve noticed something over the years—both in my own life and in the leaders and leadership teams I work with.
Most of us are trying really hard to do all the things.
We want to communicate well.
We want to show up for people.
We want to be valued, seen and heard by others.
And yet, sometimes the very thing that gets in the way of connection is that we haven’t taken the time to fully understand ourselves.
Not in a surface-level way, but in a curious, honest and open way.
The kind of understanding that asks, “Why did that reaction come up for me?” Or “What is this situation actually stirring in me?”
Because when we don’t understand ourselves, we often show up in conversations and relationships reacting rather than responding.
And most of the time, we don’t even realize it.
The Moment That Teaches You
If I’m honest, some of my biggest lessons around this didn’t come from a book or a training. They came from moments where I realized I had misunderstood someone…or where someone misunderstood me.
You know the kind of moment.
A conversation gets tense.
You feel yourself getting defensive and shutting down or, armoring up for battle. Maybe you start rehearsing what you’re going to say out of reaction, instead of actually listening to respond.
In those moments, it’s easy to assume the other person is the problem. But if we slow down—even just a little—we might start to notice something else happening.
Sometimes what we’re reacting to isn’t just the situation in front of us. It’s our own expectations, experiences, or stories playing in the background.
And that’s where self-awareness in your leadership becomes powerful.
The Courage to Look Inward
Understanding yourself takes a certain kind of courage.
It means being willing to pause and ask questions like:
- What about that comment is bothering me?
- What belief or expectation did I bring into this moment?
- Is my reaction about what’s happening right now, or something from my past?
- What am I believing right now? Is that belief really true?
- What more do I need to learn, or understand about the other person, the situation, or myself?
This kind of reflection doesn’t make us weak.
It actually makes us more grounded in our leadership.
When we understand our own patterns, we stop handing our reactions over to every situation or person that crosses our path.
We become more intentional about how we show up.
And that changes everything.
Honoring Others Along the Way
But self-awareness alone isn’t the full picture.
Because the world doesn’t revolve around our perspective.
Every person we interact with is carrying their own story, experiences, pressures, and values. Sometimes people respond in ways that don’t make sense to us.
Sometimes they communicate differently than we would.
Sometimes their priorities look completely different from ours.
Honoring others means being willing to hold space for that reality as leaders.
Not necessarily agreeing.
But staying open and curious instead of closed and judgmental.
It’s the difference between saying: “Why would they do that?” and asking, “I wonder what might be influencing their perspective right now.” That small shift can transform a conversation.
Where Real Growth Happens in Your Leadership
The real work—and the real growth—happens when we hold both things at the same time. Understanding ourselves. And honoring others.
When we do this well, something interesting starts to happen in our leadership.
We become less reactive. We listen more fully. We lead conversations instead of escalating them. And we create environments—whether at work, at home, or in our communities—where people feel respected even when there are differences.
That kind of environment doesn’t happen by accident.
It happens when people are willing to do the inner work and extend grace outward.
A Simple Practice
The next time you find yourself in a challenging conversation, try pausing for just a moment and asking yourself two questions:
What is coming up for me right now?
And then:
What might be going on for the other person?
One question builds awareness.
The other builds empathy.
Together, they create understanding.
The Practice of Becoming
Understanding yourself while honoring others isn’t something you master once and move on from. It’s a practice. Some days you’ll do it beautifully. Other days you’ll catch yourself later thinking, “I wish I had handled that differently.”
That’s okay.
The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is awareness, growth, and the willingness to keep learning about ourselves and the people around us. Because the more we understand ourselves, the more capacity we have to honor humanity in others.
And the more we honor others, the more connected our workplaces, relationships, and communities become.
Written by: Brooke Fitzgerald, Energy Builder with The Restoration Project
