There have been so many times in my life when I’m asked to do something and in my gut I really don’t want to do it for any number of reasons; it doesn’t align with me, I don’t have the capacity, the expectations are unrealistic, the person who’s asking has a pattern of asking without returning the favor, the yes isn’t appreciated or it feels like it’s ‘expected’ because I’ve always taken care of it in the past, or simply perhaps I just don’t want to.
There have also been times when a relationship whether it be a long time friendship, a family member, an employee, a colleague, a boss or otherwise, feels very off balance and off course. There isn’t reciprocation of respect, or honesty. It feels like an obligation versus a genuine want to spend time together. Responsibilities and the weight are carried by one and not both fairly and equitably. Expectations are unclear and the bar everchanging. There are feelings of resentment, judgment, anger and fear that are ever present in daily interactions.
There have been times when a dream or an idea, or a vision you once had has lost its luster or it isn’t aligning with you any longer. It’s more draining on your heart than fulfilling. Sacrifices are cutting into what you want, and what is a priority for you and your family or your life. You feel stuck, like feet amidst quicksand with nothing to grab ahold of.
To have the courage to say no in these situations, is just that. Courageous. Sounds simple, right? Not easy. It takes practice. Courage is like a muscle that has to be tended to when working hard, commitment and consistency in small reps until the heavier weighted things feel safe to do so.
Early on in finding my way back to who I was, I had taken a year long leadership development course with my business coach and mentor, Geery. There was a practice he had all of the attendees do at the end of every session that was an eye opener for me at a pivotal point on my journey in having courage to say no.
What is one thing you learned, unlearned and relearned this week?
To learn how to say No with confidence, connected to my values and alignment to who I am. To say it with clarity in discerning the reality of the particular situation and not my distorted judgment of it, spread with a layer of guilt and shame like icing on a cake. To learn there is an immense feeling of peace, and a freedom when I can have the courage to pause, assess, and discern what is a No, and what is Yes for me. To learn no one knows that but me-gives me more fuel for courage that carries me forward into additional learning and growing.
To unlearn the pattern I had grown to be comfortable in, which was absolutely covered with resentment, fear, anger and a heavy weight of false responsibility that all of these yeses were mine to own and No was not an option. Not an option unless you wanted to be unloved, unwanted, and unvalued. My worth was wrapped up in Yes. The unlearning while painful at first, but all so freeing on the other side of the wave of entering into a new comfort zone. Feels pretty good to breathe versus the constant feeling of drowning.
To relearn what is important and a priority. To relearn what is mine to own and carry. To relearn who I am and what value I bring in being HER. To relearn when to say yes and when to say No. To relearn there is always a sacrifice in a yes and to know what that is. To relearn that it is ok to say No. So Say It.
Written by: Brooke Fitzgerald, Energy Builder with The Restoration Project
